Rev. Blank's list of Unacceptable Behavior

2008-11-10T18:03:00.000-08:00

25. Divorce.

2008-10-28T08:02:00.001-07:00

24. Regular is NOT a size. Small, Medium or Large, motherfucker

Liz's list.

2008-10-10T21:21:00.000-07:00

1) Customers who pry the doors open 20 minutes before the store officially opens and decide "it's ok to just shop around before the cashiers get in" and then get pissy when you ask them to leave. Seriously... How would you like it if you were hosting a dinner party and someone showed up a few hours early and let themselves in and made themselves at home while you were in the shower? SAME DAMN THING. You weren't ready for guests, neither are we... And there is NOTHING in the employee handbook that says I have to be nice to you before or after store hours. I have a knife, and I will cut you, bitch.

2) Stop farting in/nearby the floral department and think the flowers will cover up the odor. IT DOESN'T WORK! EVER!

3) Asking me the same question multiple times, even if it is phrased differently each time, will NOT magically make the answer change.

4) Customers who act like the employees are invisible unless/until they need to bitch or need assistance. Fuck you. I don't know how many times customers have looked RIGHT AT ME and damn near run me down with their shopping carts.

5) Drivers who brake to turn BEFORE flipping their turn signal on.

6) Drivers who speed up instead of moving over to the empty lane or just letting you in while merging onto the road.

7) People who "thank" you by handing you a "Jesus saves" pamphlet. Stop pimping your damn religion! I'm happy being a heathen!

8) On "dating": "No" is a perfectly acceptable answer to "Will you go out with me sometime?" or any variation of the intent... DON'T ASK WHY.

9) I don't care if your dog can fit in your purse, you still can't bring it in my store. If you're that afraid of leaving it in the car, DON'T TAKE YOUR PETS SHOPPING. Actually, DON'T TAKE YOUR PETS SHOPPING, PERIOD.

10) Stop leaving your garbage around the store... An employee would be much happier taking your garbage than finding it as a surprise later on... And stop spitting cherry pits onto the floor, store displays, floral buckets... No one wants to pick up something that's been in your mouth.

11) Accidents happen... If you spill/break/drop something or just make a mess in general FUCKING HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL SOMEONE.

12) You're in a public restroom... FLUSH THE GOD DAMNED TOILET. I don't need to walk into a surprise.

Thanks, Liz. -J

...and so it begins

2008-10-09T05:43:00.000-07:00

In an effort to deal with some of my anger issues at work (I run a coffee bar in a retail grocery store) and otherwise, I've decided to start this list. If you'd like to add entries, send me a note and I'll be happy for the contribution. This is a very unbias list; there will be some things on here that I do myself and it pisses me off. So here we go! I give to thee the first entry in Rev. Blank's List of Unacceptable Behavior:

1. Breast feeding while ordering or socializing in general: This is the thing that got me to start this list. A lady comes up with her parasite attached to the teat and proceeds to order coffee from me. She's not even trying to cover up; her sweat shirt is just yanked up. I just stared at her. Seriously, what the hell? At least go into the grocery store cafe with a blanket. That is NOT OK.

2. Bathing in Public restrooms (thanks for the entry, Beaver): Its surprising how often one walks in on this sort of thing.

3. People who don't 'believe' in recycling: Fuck you.

4. People who yak on their cell phones in public: Look around every once in a while, will ya?!

5. Wearing clothes that advertises shit that you not only are NOT getting paid for, but especially that you have PURCHASED: Seriously, is Nike or fucking Bebe paying you? That brings me to:

6. Getting offended when you're a woman with some fucking advertisement written across your ass and people are (surprise!) staring at your ass.

7. Tailgating: I'm that guy who WILL slam on my breaks.

8. Driving 5 mph under the speed limit: I WILL tailgate you (how's that for duality?)

9. Cyclist who don't obey traffic laws: Stay on the side of the road. Ride single file. One of these days I'm going to run one of you fuckers over. On purpose.

10. People who talk on their cell phones while driving: How many times have you or heard that someone got into a wreck because some douschbag was driving and texting/talking on their phones. Your inane conversation can wait. Pay attention to the road.

11. Bluetooth: Fuck you, you fucking cyborg.

12. People who don't share the sidewalk (thanks, Angela): I suck. I've been known to hog the sidewalk while walking my dogs. Sorry.

13. People who neglect and/or abuse their pets: I want to hurt you scumbags very very badly.

14. There IS such a thing as a stupid question (thanks, Deb): Enough said.

15. People who don't do their jobs and make you work harder (thanks, Joe): Again, enough said.

16. Mom's who let their horrible bastard children (gee, do you get the drift I don't like children?) eat out of the ice tables in grocery stores (thanks, Lili): You know, the ones filled with ice to keep the shrimp/produce/meat/whatever display cool. Ugh! Seriously? Do you have any idea how many people have had their disgusting hands in there? That brings me to:

17. People who use their before mentioned DISGUSTING GERM/BACTERIA INFESTED hands to pick up samples at the grocery store: The toothpicks and tongs and the like are there for a reason, motherfucker. Use them. I don't want your scabies (not that I would EVER eat a sample at a grocery store for this exact reason)

18. If you screw up and someone calls you out on it, don't get all pissed off at that person: Whatever stupid thing you did is your own damn fault. They just did you a favor.

19. Your horrible children.

20. Car shopping carts: Those giant carts to keep your little shits quiet while you shop, you know the ones. These are unacceptable on two points:
a. You obviously don't discipline your children
b. You shop like you drive: like shit. If I get run into one more time with one of those things I'm going to throw your kids into the freezer case.

21. Double dipping the samples at the grocery store: That's just fucking gross.

22. Republicans: You suck.

23. Democrats: You suck.